Read articles and books with entirely different points of view from your own and try to learn something

Have you ever noticed that practically everything you read justifies and reinforces your own opinions and views on life? The same is true with our radio and television listening and viewing choices as well. In fact, on America's most popular radio talk show, callers often identify themselves as "ditto heads", meaning "I already agree with everything you say. Tell me more". Liberals, Conservatives - we're all the same. We form opinions and then spend our entire lifetimes validating what we believe to be true. This rigidity is sad, because there is so much we can learn from points of view that are different from our own. It's also sad because the stubbornness it takes to keep our heart and mind closed to everything other than our point of view creates a great deal of inner stress. A closed mind is always fighting to keep everything else at arm's length.

We forget that we're all equally convinced that our way of looking at the world is the only correct way. We forget that two people who disagree with one another can often use the identical examples to prove their own points of view-and both sides can be articulate and convincing.

Knowing this, we can either buckle down and get even more stubborn-or we can lighten up and try to learn something new! For just a few minutes a day-whatever your slant on life-try making a gentle effort to read articles and/or books with different points of view. You dont need to change your core beliefs or your deepest held positions. All you're doing is expanding your mind and opening your heart to new ideas. This new openness will reduce the stress it takes to keep other points if view away. In addition to being very interesting, this practice helps you see the innocence in others as well as helping you become more patient. You'll become a more relaxed, philosophic person, because you'll begin to sense the logic in other points of view.

Don't sweat the small stuff - Introduction

"Whenever we're dealing with bad news, a difficult person, or a disappointment of some kind, most of get into certain habits, ways of reacting to life-particularly adversity-that don't serve us very well. We overreact, blow things out of proportion, hold on too tightly, and focus on the negative aspects of life. When we are immobilized by little things-when we are irritated, annoyed, and easily bothered-our (over-) reactions not only make us frustrated but actually get in the way of getting what we want. We lose sight of the bigger picture, focus on the negative, and annoy other people who might otherwise help us. In short, we live our lives as if they were one great big emergency! We often rush around looking busy, trying to solve problems, but in reality, we are often compounding them. Because everything seems like such a big deal, we emd up spending our lives dealing with one drama after another.

After a while, we begin to believe that everything really is a big deal. We fail to recognize that the way we relate to our problems has a lot to do with how quickly and efficiently we solve them. As I hope you will soon discover, when you learn the habit of responding to life with more ease, problems that seemed 'insurmountable' will begin to seem more manageable. And even the 'biggies' things that are truly stressful, won't throw you off track as much as they once did.

Happily, there is another way to relate to life-a softer, more graceful path that makes life seem easier and the people in it more compatible. This 'other way' of living involves replacing old habits of 'reaction' with new habits of perspective. These new habots enable us to have richer, more satisfying lives."

Stop Rehearsing Unhappiness

Implementing this strategy can be a little tricky, but once you get the hang of it, it has the power to improve and even transform your relationships. The benefits you enjoy can be powerful and may occur almost immediately.

Here's an example of how it works: Kelly is driving to see her boyfriend. A memory comes to mind of an argument they had a few weeks ago. As she remembers the incident, she "plays it out again," almost as if it were happening right there in the car. She realizes that her boyfriend was being unnecessarily stubborn, maybe even a little mean. She remembers his doing something similar at a party last month. Doubt begins to creep into her mind. She begins to wonder if he's the right guy after all. Within a matter of minutes she's a little angry, as she thinks to herself, "He'd better not do that again tonight." By the time she arrives at his apartment, she's feeling slightly distant, nothing horrible, but enough to make a difference in the way she feels about the evening and about her relationship.

We refer to this type of inner dialogue as a "thought attack" because, in sense, that's what it really is‰¥¡B´o?¸your own thoughts attacking you. We say it's tricky because, for the most part, you're not even aware that you're doing it. Thoughts like these happen so quickly, and so often, that most of us don't even realize what's happening. And that's the real problem! We get lost in our thoughts in much the same way that we might get lost in a movie or in a good book. At times, like Kelly, most of us mistake a few harmless negative thoughts for a serious problem in our relationship. Consequently, rather than dismissing the thoughts and responding to each moment as it arrives, we instead take out our self-created frustration on our partner as if he or she were the real problem. And while it's possible there is a real problem, our minds have a way of blowing things out of proportion.

A thought attack can be about practically anything and can happen anywhere, at any time--in the shower, while you're trying to sleep, in an airplane, while walking the dog, as you're cleaning the house, at work and elsewhere. Specifically, thought attacks can be about what's wrong in your relationship, how your needs aren't met, or a fear or suspicion that's on your mind. People have reported to us having thought attacks about the fact that their partner isn't doing his or her fair share. Others play out worst-case scenarios about pending arguments, the implications of a diminishing sex drive, resentment over a partner's lack of ability to make an adequate income or whatever.

We're certainly not suggesting that thinking about your relationship--our concerns, dreams, issues, or plans--is in any way wrong. In fact, doing so is often important, helpful and nourishing. There is an enormous difference, however, between intentionally thinking about something--knowing what you're doing--versus being caught up in your thinking, engaged in a painful thought attack, and not even aware of what's going on.

The solution is simple, but not easy. All you have to do is catch yourself engaging in these tricky thought attacks. The idea is to see it happening while it's happening. You observe yourself as the thinker. Once you see it, the rest is easy. You simply drop the thoughts, dismiss them, and let them go. You might say something like, "Oh brother, there I go again," or something like that, some type of simple acknowledgment that you know what you're doing to yourself. Over time, it becomes much easier and you'll catch yourself much more quickly. Rather than engaging in a ten-minute inner conversation, you'll begin to observe it happening seconds after you start. Then, you can decide to think about the issue, or to simply let it go. Rather than being trapped, you'll have a choice.

Many people have shared with us that this has been the single most helpful insight they have ever had about themselves--the idea that they actually practice being unhappy, or harming their relationship, without even knowing is by mentally "rehearsing unhappiness." Without the ongoing distraction of negative mental rehearsal, what's usually left is the love and respect you have for your partner.

Once you begin to nip this problem in the bud, you'll notice a great deal more peace and happiness showing up in your relationship. Rather than giving significance to your negative thoughts, you can spend that energy thinking about more positive aspects of your relationship. We hope you'll give this strategy a fair try--it's fun and extremely effective, and it might just change your life.